Star Gazing

The Spin Cycle this week is “wish list.” These are the directions Jen gave us:

“You can wish for anything, anything! Big or small, real or make believe, past, present, or future. Remember, you are not made of magic, but your wishes ARE. So find that first star, think up your wish…”

So, with the magic in mind and my mind fixed on a star….

I wish for a bit of boring, as in run of the mill, normal, non-angst, and non-drama. I wish that those with whom I live and love have as many non-anxious, edgy moments as possible and that when they do have their mood swings, they recognize it and work through it.

I wish for art to be at the center of my life. For a year (or more) to just create and focus on creating. To not be pulled into several different directions nearly every minute of every day and to not have to get up at four AM just to get two hours to myself.

I wish for a chance to travel. To mix the creating and art with a bit of travel. A road trip….

I wish for peace, starting in my own home…

For more spins on wish lists, head on over to Sprite's Keeper.

And may all your wishes come true...

Giveaway Winner and other Stuff....

And the winner of the Hawaii goodie box is...

Kathy from My Space My Blog, My Life

Congratulations Kathy!!

Winner comes courtesy of the random number generator at Psychic Science Website.

Thanks to all of you who commented. Especially thank-you for the spirit of the giveaway, which was for me to show appreciation to those of you who come here, who read what I write, for encouraging me on this journey. Blogging has made writing fun and absorbing for me again. The biggest reason is because people, whether it was those first two readers during my beginning months or a slew of folks on a more popular post, people read what I write. And some comment. There is interaction. I really appreciate the support and camaraderie that comes from blogging.

When I began the blog last year it was a bit of an experiment. To be honest, I thought if it turned out to be something I liked, I would start a new blog using the skills I learned from this experiment. I even have a name for that blog, but have never advanced to make that change. And now I have all these great blog friends and am comfy in my spot. So I am Pseudo. Maybe that other name will get the chance to be a title for a book someday…………………………..

The seed of the idea for a giveaway began in my mind as a way to celebrate my three year anniversary of being a breast cancer survivor. That date is April 10th.

But on April 2nd when I went in for my mammogram the radiologist needed to take a better look. I was called from the waiting area, where I was completely absorbed in the preparations for a vampire war. (Book Four of the Twilight series)

The radiologist just wants to take a couple more images.

While I waited for those images to develop the tech told me to go ahead and just wait in the room.

Bella and Edward kept my mind off any negative projecting.

Mrs. Pseudo a voice called from the hallway.

I came out expecting to be excused to go home. But it was a different tech.

Hi. I’m the ultrasound technician. The radiologist sees something in your mammogram that is a little suspicious. She wants to take some ultrasound images.

Fuuuck me.

A cold wave of air started spreading from the center of my gut like a hollow, expanding pit. I felt detached from my body and as the girl led me to the ultrasound room, used the gel (which is now served warm), and began zeroing in on the suspected blip, I could feel myself floating in a twilight zone.

You know when you are dreaming, and you suddenly realize you are dreaming? How you can manipulate the dream? Seriously, I can do that.

The other night I had a dream that I was driving over an incredibly high bridge with a sapphire blue, incredibly surreal ocean below me. It was definitely Maui, the coastline from Pa’ia to Hana. Suddenly I realized I had been so absorbed in the view that I had driven off the bridge and my car was hanging 1000’s of feet above the ocean in mid air. I drove the car like a plane and suddenly I was on the beach.

Well. Anyways.

While I lay there letting the tech take images of my breast, part of me thought I could will myself from the path that had suddenly reared its ugly head and seemed determined to take me for a detour.

The rest of the ordeal lasted for two weeks. An appointment with my surgeon. An ultrasound guided core biopsy. A bruised breast and a day a rest. Twenty-four hours of not being allowed to shower. Three days of not lifting anything heavy.

The results are in and it was benign.

Life goes back to being a survivor of cancer and not a victim.

For a minute there, I could see each path before me and was suspended between these two realities, prepared for either one.

Either way, life is good. But I have to say, I am very thankful to not have to go down that path again for now.

Yea! Three years.