Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Happy Birthdays Nephews...

When it rains….

I am the middle daughter sandwiched between two sisters and the three of us have managed to produce five children. Four of the five cousins’ birthdays are between June 20th and July 1st. The straggler’s birthday is at the beginning of August. My mom’s birthday is June 11th, throw in Father’s Day and it’s pretty much like a mini Christmas spread out over the beginning of summer. I start saving months ahead of time for the birthday fests.

Weird trivia. My two sisters and my first born birthdays… My daughter’s birthday is June 29th. My nephew from my younger sister has a birthday on June 30th. My older sister’s first born’s birthday is today, July 1st. How likely is that? Apparently my mom gave birth to three daughters who turn into mini goddesses of fertility in the Fall.

In honor of the nephews’ birthdays, I am reposting a guest post I wrote for Mama Dawg last month while she took vacation at Disneyworld. BTW She has been posting stories, photos, and videos of that trip and she knows her House of Mouse. I’ve been vacationing vicariously over there.

For the nephews. Who’s cool now?

My first experience of being an auntie I was only 16 years old. My sister is four years older than me and she had my nephew when she was 20. I loved that kid (still do) like nobody’s business and wanted so much to be the “cool aunt.”

When he was six I took him to Disneyland. Just the two of us. He wanted to ride nothing but the Autopia. Being cool, I did what I thought no parent would do. I rode the Autopia 45 times in a row. The last 35 times were his “just one more time PLEASE times.”

Finally I said, “Enough. I need to show you what fun really is.”

But he screamed his bloody head off in all the storybook rides. During Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride I thought he would claw his way under my skin.

He refused to ride anything resembling a roller coaster. Absofuckinglutely refused. What kind of kid was this?

I distracted him in Frontier Land with the shooting galleries. He was all boy there. He wanted me to buy him one of those wooden rifles.

I bribed him. Told him I would buy him one if he would go on a ride of my choosing, meaning something fast and fun.

He agreed thinking I would not hold him to it.

In my defense I did not pick the Matterhorn or Space Mountain (my two favorite rides). I selected Rolling Thunder Mountain.

While we moved up in line he asked me 167 times, “You’re not REALLY going to make me get on this if I tell you I’m too scared? Right?”

Who did he think he was dealing with? Of course I did. In my roller coaster loving mind I just knew once he had a taste he would be crying MORE! MORE! MORE ROLLER COASTERS PLEASE AUNTIE!

I was so wrong.

But at least he did not throw up on me.

I also took the kid skiing one winter and paid for his lesson. I laughed so hard I peed my snow suit when he could not snow plow and slammed into the back of the knees of a huge, overweight man and sent that man smack into the First Aid Shack.

Another time I took him to the Miniature Golf Castle and let him play video games after golf and eat so much junk food that the next day my sister took him to urgent care with a stomach ache that turned out to be him being constipated.

There was the time I took him out for dinner and we ate in the bar because I had a crush on the drummer of the band that was playing there. For years the kid thought he went to a rock concert.

One of the coolest things I did was take him to a Friday night shooting of Happy Days. I had a slutty friend who was dating Ralph Mouth and we could get in any Friday we wanted. My nephew got to hang out on the stage afterwards and meet all the cast.

And the topper. When he was 12 I talked everyone in the family into pitching in for a plane ticket for him to come to Hawaii and visit me. I was 28 and cocktailing my way through college. Mr. Pseudo and I had recently moved in together and were living in sin. What a wonderful collision of worlds that was. We took him to Chinatown and let him buy all kinds of illegal martial arts crap. In my defense we called his parents and his dad said it was OK, only that the kid could not mess with (touch) the stuff until he got home and was with his dad. I thought I had packed the weapons away but when we took him sightseeing he magically had an illegal weapon of some kind… Let’s just say I momentarily lost my cool. And we all almost got arrested.

Fast forward 20 years and it is me and my family visiting him in LA. He’s a thirty something year old hipster and has a job where he works with a lot of rich and famous people and my kids think he is the coolest relative on the family food chain.

He takes us to a store where all the hipsters shop. The kind of store the paparazzi hang out in front of when celebrities are inside. The first thing I do is embarrass him by busting out my camera and taking a picture of my kids trying on shoes in the store. The security guard came up and told me no cameras or pictures or they would ask me to leave. My nephew pretended not to know me and ditched me for the opposite side of the store. But I followed him, because that is what irritating, visiting, embarrassing relatives do.

He headed into the half of the store that features jeans. Not the Old Navy curvy hips and thighs jeans his middle age auntie that used to be hot wears. Designer jeans. Hipster jeans. Jeans STARTING at $200.

So I browse. My first order of business was to see just how expensive these jeans could be. The answer, according to my perusing, is $598. Imagine that.

Next, I decide that for $200-$600 they must all be magic jeans. Therefore I must try some on.

But how to choose?

I’m trying to select a few pair when an adorable young sales girl that has the body of a 12 year old who has not started puberty comes up and asks if I need help. Indeed I do.

"I’d like to try on some of your jeans. Cost is no option."

(I do not mention that this is because I will not actually buy anything I try on).

"What brands and styles would best suit my body type?"

The sweet young thing furrows her brow and carefully picks out three pair.

"These would all be good choices. The waistband is a little higher than the really low ones, and the way the material doubles up it will hold you in and help camouflage your muffin top."

YES. She. Did.

My nephew was a couple aisles away. I don’t think he heard her. I wouldn’t want him to know his cool auntie is not so cool anymore. She is a muffin top laden middle age hunk of lump.
Happy Birthday nephew from younger sister.
Shown here with my daughter in 1995.
The scene of the crime.
Respecting older nephew's privacy and not posting a photo of him.


Jan said...

Oh, I know ALL about the Birthday-O-Rama thing.

Darling Daughter: January 26
The Young One: January 27
Beloved: January 27
The Young One's Father: January 28

I also have a niece who's birthday is January 20.

All just right after Christmas - lucky, lucky me.

Sharon Rose said...

You are the coolest aunt I have ever read about! OMGosh! And what does a size 0, 12 yr. old, pre-pubesent, sales kid know about. . . I can't believe she said that!

mo.stoneskin said...

I'm not too sure I know what a 'muffin to' is. Is that an actual thing or is it a term only the fashionable elite use?

Pseudo said...

Oh Jan! Yours IS worse. Right after Christmas.

Sharon - thank-you

Mo - don't use the term anywhere near your wife. Googleit with images and see what you get ; -)

Sprite's Keeper said...

My mother-in-law spit out all four of her boys between June and August, so I'd say she was a Fall lady as well. Happy birthday to everyone!

cheatymoon said...

We have that stretch of birthdays between March and May for my family and the other half's

Happy to the nephews and I'm glad you reposted the jeans story. It's a good story.

Maureen at IslandRoar said...

What a cool smattering of summer b-days all in the same family. I am the only one in mine; my mother always said I couldn't have a party cuz everyone was "on vacation." Yeah, right.

That muffin-top comment showed great restraint on your part. I'm not sure I could have done the same.

tera said...

OMG I am totally laughing out loud at work and making a fool of myself. Oh wait, that would be EVERY day! :)
I have no kids so I am completely infatuated with my niece and nephews. I am just biding my time until we can take them places. Well, we could with the oldest, he's 6, but the others are too much of a handful for me right now.
But I really want to be the "cool" aunt, too. Of course, I'm the "only" aunt, so I guess that means I win!

Unknown said...

I read this when it was on Mama Dawg's site and still laughed when I read it a second time; still can't believe she said that!

Fragrant Liar said...

Camouflage your muffin top? Beeyotch, she did not! Seriously, what a little dumbshit. They need to teach courtesy and manners and customer service in high school, I'm convinced. Standard REQUIRED curriculum or no diploma. Yeesh!

In our family we are always trying to outdo each other for being the coolest aunt or the coolest uncle (at least my brothers), and we make great allowances in attempt to get to that pinnacle position.

Congrats on being your nephew's coolest aunt. :)

Duchess said...

So much in your post to respond to...

I love it when cousins have a world together.

But you also have to learn, as you did, to respect kids. They don't always want what you want, including your favourite rides.

Anyway, Pirates is definitely the best. The Best. A couple of decades before the movie.

Mike said...

September sounds like the month when all the action happens! LOL! June and July must be expensive with all the gifts that you have to buy!


Anonymous said...

It's a cluster of Cancers! If you check out family's b-days you will be surprised to see how the patterns are! Oh I can feel your nephews angst!

Hit 40 said...

What fun in the summer!! You have some extra time to really enjoy the family's birthdays!

I stole your pet for my post that I had today.

Julie H said...

What a great Aunt! I'm about to become an "Auntie" for the 2nd time (hubbies side doesn't count since they are all about my age). So far the 1st one doesn't seem to like me all that much lol. The new one will be a niece though...

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Fun post, Pseudo! Is there anything better than embarrassing your relatives?

We have that whole bd thing to. We have lots of double digits


Then we have lots of people who share the same day or one day right after the other. Both my kids have a cousin who shares their bd. I have 3 cousins, an uncle who have theirs on Halloween. The next day is my grandparents anniversary, my anniversary and my grandmother's bd. MHS and brother are 9/17 and 9/18
My sisters are 9/11 and 9/12. Pualani's is also 9/12.
September is our big month.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You rode the Autopia 45 times in a row!!!! YOU ARE GOOD!!!!!

Terrific post. Your family sounds great.

Pseudo said...

I think what might also be interesting is what months have no birthdays in some families.

We have none in January, on both hubs isde and mine.

Anonymous said...

Embarrassing relatives is the only way to's not fun otherwise, right?

And what does a wisp of a sales girl know anyway. Did you make her jealous and tell her you live in Hawaii!!!

The Rambler said...


Tell me you slapped her face and said...Big Mistake...BIGGGG Mistake. (you know, like in Pretty Woman? Well Julia Roberts didn't slap her face and your not really spending insane amount of I guess I can't really use this, huh? :)

Sam said...

Oh no, SHE DI'INT! I would have slapped her. Or something.
Happy birthday to everyone!
PS Will you be my aunt?

Jack and Kernel said...

Woof woof to you woof woof to you!!!

Happy Birthday!!

Melissa B. said...

Love the guest post and the Superior Snaps! Sounds like you're crazy celebrating over there! My youngest is our only summer b-day. She's always been jealous of her sister, because so many of her friends are out of town for her birthday. She's forever celebrating either before, way after, or on her half-birthday, which is in February...

Beth said...

Funny! I love roller coasters, too and I think I've been punked because neither of my boys will even watch the rides. They totally freak out! And I did what you did once and MADE them ride. Big mistake. They still talk about it.

And those jeans!? No way would I pay that much. Especially if the prepubescent girl had been insulting. Was it fun trying the jeans on? Were they magical?

Liz Wilkey (a.k.a. A Mom on Spin) said...

Can you just get one big birthday cake????

Lilly said...

That is the most delightful post I have read in a long, long time. Yeah, you are still one cool Aunt.

My sister was 13 when my daughter was born and they have alway been close. When my daughter turned 18 she took her to Dublin for a week and I think they drank the whole week (my sister left her husband and four kids at home in London). She is now moving back to the smae city my daughter lives in and so she is thrilled.

Loads of birthdays at the one time alright - that is amazing. Thanks for the great read and sounds like your nephew is cool too! You taught him well, clearly.

Midlife Roadtripper said...

All clumped together makes the birth dates easier to remember.

mamammelloves said...

Hi from SITS! Cute story! We have lots of birthdays close together here too... Our crazy celebration month is in June also. Brother-in-law on the 1st, friend on the 3rd, sister on the 5th, Brother-in-law on the 19th, Father's Day, Grandpa and husband on the 27th, me on the 28th! It's our 2nd most stressful/expensive month! Like your post! Have a great day! :)

Vodka Mom said...

you are totally planning my next birthday party. September 6. I'll be 50.


Jack and Kernel said...

Thank you for the beach invitation!!! We would love to come poop on your beach.