Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Teenage Avoidance Tactics 101

It was a good day. The old truck, the vehicle we let the 17 year old Boy use, was in the mechanic’s shop.

Oh? You might ask. How is that a good thing?

Well, for one, the work that was being done was under warranty, so there would be no bill when we picked it up. Two, it meant that son was hanging out with us for two days straight. That’s a lot of Son time. AND. It had been going more or less swimmingly. He was fun, sweet even.

So, we’re in the car together and I’m driving him somewhere and he’s telling me a few highlights from these great escapade months of his last summer as a non-adult. (Thanks Maureen for this post that helped me to see the positive side of my chauffeur years).

I decide, he’s not got that defensive wall up and seems in a generous mood, perhaps I can give some serious mom advice.

I proceed to tell him about treating girls with respect, you get the picture, right?

The Boy seems to be listening and does not interrupt. When I am finished he turns to me and says, “You and Dad sure give opposite advice.”

“Why, what did your dad tell you?”

“Dad told me I should get with as many girls as possible before I settle down. Enjoy my youth and my freedom.”

“Dad WOULD NOT tell you that!”

Yet, why inside do I feel the need to transport myself across the island and get in my husband’s face and ask him? Perhaps slap him?

The Boy shrugs. “Ask him yourself.”

When I see my husband the next morning and ask him, his eyebrow arches and he stops what he is doing to stare at me.

“I DID NOT say that. The kid was just messing with you, probably because he wanted you to change the subject.”

I stare into this man’s eyes, because, albeit Son is a smartass and loves to mess with people, I don’t trust that most men wouldn’t love to see their sons score all the chickadees they wished they had when they were young.

A few days later and the truck comes out of the shop (if your vehicle is not finished by Saturday morning, it gets to have a two day sleepover partay with the other cars until Monday).

As the boy readies to leave (packing a backpack in the house) and his father piddles with the truck in the garage (checking on the engine and the handiwork of the mechanic) I proceed to try and talk to my son about peer pressure. How, even though HE may not do drugs or drink alcohol, he needs to make sure no one he gives a ride to is packing anything illicit or else, should he get pulled over, as the driver he may get penalized for his passengers’ indiscretions.

The Boy looks up at me and says, “That’s not the advice Dad gave me.”

“I’m not falling for that again.”

The Boy shrugs.

It’s like a disease. I can’t help myself.

“OK Mister. What are you going to tell me your dad said?”

“He said never to drink or smoke weed when I’m driving, never to do them together, and other than that, it’s OK, as long as I don’t get caught.”

Husband comes in while I’m yelling at the kid about his asshattery.

Husband smiles because he likes it when it is me yelling at The Boy instead of him.

Husband hears the phrase “quit throwing your dad under the bus to distract me every time I try to have a serious talk with you.”

Husband interrupts with, “Hey?! What?”

I tell him, “The Boy said you told him it is OK to drink or smoke weed as long as he is not driving and as long as he does not get caught.”

Husband shakes his head, turns away so I don’t see him cracking up, and says, “Quit yanking your mom’s chain dude.”

Ten minutes later I am sitting on the couch, watching the news, and letting my angry fumes slowly smolder around me.

Son, somewhat contrite, sits down next to me and pretends to watch the news. He puts his arm around my shoulder, pats my head, and says, “Love you mom.”

I decide this is as good as time as any to cast the MOTHER’S CURSE on him.

“I hope you have a kid that turns out exactly like you when you grow up.”

The frickken kid looks me in the eye, breaks into a ginormous grin, and says, “That’d be awesome.”
Yeah, we'll see.

47 comments:

Creepy said...

HA!!! You son sounds like a ton of fun... spoken like someone who has yet to parent a teenager...

Kristan said...

LOL!!! Man, this kid is way smarter than I was. I just argued with my mom and then got in trouble for it...

True Blue Texan said...

I have been telling my children I hope they have children just like them since, I don't know, they were 6 or so. No need to wait until they're teenagers.

Though it does get said more frequently now with the added "That doesn't mean you need to go out and start trying to get said child."

darsden said...

Oh my goodness...he has your number big time..LOL Rest assure he is soaking in everything you are telling him...as he is twisting it in his mind at the same time to give you grief! Boy 2 pts. Mom 0 LOL sorry that's what dad said ;-)

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Yesterday Duchess commented Dog 1 point, Middle aged Pseudo 0 points.

Today it is Boy 2, Pseudo 0.

I need to even the score somehow.

Jan said...

ROFLMAO!

I love that boy. Oh, yes, I do.

But I can't believe you haven't smacked him into next week yet.

Angie Ledbetter said...

Okay, when did you install the hidden camera in my house? Same exact antics as my 17 & 18 y.o. boys. Exactly. No family meal, gatherin or *gasp* trip is a success unless they can make Mom's left eye twitch.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Don't worry. The curse will come true and he'll be kicking himself.
I should know. I'm living proof..

mo.stoneskin said...

Hilarious (for the outsider). Are you sure you're husband isn't saying this stuff? Maybe it's time for some spying.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

The Boy has a permanent hand print on the back of his head from my swats...

And, yes, there is part of me that is totally paranoid the two of them are in cahoots together.

blueviolet said...

I can't get the grin off of my face over this. I don't know why but it totally cracks me up.

only a movie said...

Oh you know I love this post to bits.

Any time I attempt a conversation geared toward anti-grandparentry or anti-criminal activity, I get "don't worry, I'm not a dumbass". Which is true. But I also think it's true that teenagers really don't have the frontal lobe capacity they think they have... sigh.

Linda said...

Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em!
Breathe in, breathe out. One day you'll look back on this and laugh...I said ONE day, not one day soon:)

Nikki said...

That is absolutely hilarious! lol

Duchess said...

That's a good kid.

lisa said...

This was a great post. Don't worry, he still loves his Mom and is showing it by irritating you. And he is listening to you. I love the pat on the head....

Michele said...

The kid sooooo needs one just like him. He'll change his tune real fast.

Hit 40 said...

My youngest son wants two boys just like him too!!! I would enjoy the revenge, but I wouldn't wish 2 of him on anyone.

rubbish said...

He sounds brilliant your boy.

The Rambler said...

Oh Psuedo...sounds like this could be my house in 13 years....I'm scared. :)

Michel said...

OMG that is hilarious! The kid has it down to an art!!! The boy's not dumb!!

creative kerfuffle said...

i've already unleashed the "i hope you have kids just like you" phrase and mine are only 12 and 9. and i could seriously see my son doing exactly what your son did, only i could also see the hubs actually TELLING him those things. dammit.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Oh Pseudo, this was the best! I loved this post. That kid's gonna go far, mark my words.

You however, need a cocktail. Have another for me too. :-)

Reluctant Housewife said...

Yeah. He's obviously a pro at getting under your skin.

Makes for a great blog post, though!

Debbie said...

Yeah, they think they are so great and would make a great kid. Little do they know. I hope your mother curse takes!

Pastor Sharon said...

Okay, either our sons all have the same DNA or they are preprogramed to yank our chains or your son and mine are twins!
My son loves nothing more than to rattle me like that. And when he smiles. . . I go from smoltering to melting!
UHG!

Maureen at IslandRoar said...

Soo funny; he sounds like quite the charmer. And I know, I've got one over here. Those boys....

Besides, I don't think they can hear great advice like that too often. You go!

Rikki said...

My mom cursed me, and it CAME TRUE. But then I had the last laugh: then she had THREE more of ME to deal with on a regular basis. HA! Suckah!

Melissa B. said...

What goes around comes around, Pseudo. My Mom put that same curse on moi, and guess what? It works!

Beth said...

The MOM CURSE! Hilarious!

Hey. Wait a minute. Is that what happened with me?

I probably need to call and apologize to my mother. Again.

midlife slices said...

I love that kid!!! LOL

freegal1000 said...

love it! such a teenage boy thing to do

ds said...

Oh, how true!!(I don't think it's confined to one gender, either) Great post--thanks for the laugh!

Casey said...

I'm laughing now but I'm pretty sure my kids are going to turn out a lot like yours. Smartassery is a good thing though, right?

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Vodka Mom said...

oh man, I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!


They know exactly what to say to get us going!!!

hillgrandmom said...

All the best to you to keep you sane till the day he has said son and you can have the last laugh :-D

lizspin said...

Hurray for the mother's curse!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

He sounds EXACTLY like my son. (Who, by the way, was telling me how nice it felt to be on drugs just yesterday! Pain meds - but nonetheless!)

bernthis said...

this post will be stumbled by me now. I love this!

Mama Kat said...

I love your teenager. Oh my gosh he is totally cracking me up right now. I love that he threw his Dad under the bus for fun...and I love that he belongs to you and not me because I don't know what I'd do with him. :)

Kaylen said...

Your child should consider joining debate. Or becoming a (yikes) politician.
He's good with words!! :)

Fragrant Liar said...

I think they are both playing you! See, this is why you should always CHOOSE to have girls, because then it's you and her in cahoots, and you always know what's what.

Okay, so even girls are asshats, but I'm still thinking your guys have you on the 50 yard line while they cut and run around you into the end zones. Men!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

This was so funny! Teens are such a "bundle of joy" aren't they! Lucky me I spaced mine out so well I'll have teenagers for about 20 years.

Gigi said...

OH MY GOSH.
Can I just say, I love his response at the end?!
Happpy Saturday Sharefest!

Mrs. K said...

The kid's got an amazing sense of humor.

blog backgrounds said...

You're kids sound like they are so funny! I wonder though... maybe your husband did say some of those things.

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